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We are all aware that we will die, we just don’t know when. Not knowing when allows us to move through life unencumbered by serious thought of our own mortality. Indeed it is this very ability to repress the inevitability of our own death that allows us to plan and take action rather than be paralyzed with fear.
If we become ill we may consider, fleetingly, the possibility that our life could be at risk, but it isn’t until a physician gives us a terminal diagnosis that we realize how unprepared we are to die. Initially we are stopped in our tracks, ultimately we are forced to develop a new relationship with ourselves – and it doesn’t happen overnight.
Kubler-Ross became famous for bringing death and dying into open discussion with her stages of grief. However, many feel the stages are more applicable to the process of accepting a terminal diagnosis. The stages are listed below.
| Shock/Denial |
“I can’t believe this is happening” |
| Anger |
“Why me?” |
| Bargaining |
“If only I had _________.” |
| Depression |
“I can’t cope” |
| Acceptance |
“I can and will cope” |
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What Do We Say to Others?
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After a terminal diagnosis you may have difficulty relating to your friends and family. Because you don’t know what to say you often say nothing, which causes spontaneity to fade. A better option is to stumble over your words – and know that it will get easier.
For a gateway to information that can help you with information about death, dying, grief, and loss -- but also about caregiving or living with cancer, chronic illness, and various kinds of aging (both frail and healthy) click here: comfortdying.com/index.htm
Consider an end-of-life consultation with your physician
According to a Wall Street Journal article new Medicare guidelines allow doctors to get reimbursed for holding voluntary end-of-life consultations with patients during annual medical checkups.
The new Medicare rule says advance-care planning includes a discussion of setting up an advance directive that would tell doctors what to do if the patient is too ill to make medical decisions.
Doctors and patients can also discuss "whether or not the physician is willing to follow the individual's wishes as expressed in an advance directive," it says.
The health-care overhaul in 2010 turned the welcome visit into an annual "wellness visit," saying seniors could get covered for a checkup every year. The new directive makes clear that the annual wellness visit can include the same end-of-life planning already permitted in the welcome visit.
How to create a Website to connect family and friends and keep them aware and up to date when a serious health event occurs.
Often it is difficult if not impossible to keep everyone aware of what is happening. CaringBridge provides the opportunity to do so and also allows friends and family to communicate back, through a guestbook, their thoughts and support.
CaringBridge is a charitable non-profit organization.
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Joan Halifax (Being with Dying, 2008) refers to having a strong back and a soft front when confronted with death. With a strong back you are able to move into your discomfort, and with a soft front you can speak from and listen to others with your heart. By being strong and soft, spontaneity, sincerity, and physical affection can return to your relationships.
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Preparing to die is not in conflict with how you prepare to live. In both cases there are things that you hope to do or say. If you think about it, your hopes are really goals. There is always more you can hope to understand, communicate, enjoy, and love.
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Bringing the Family Together:
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Each relationship within a family is unique. For the person who is dying: Openly communicate with everyone even if it is uncomfortable. By being open family members and friends will find a sense of purpose and be better able to support you and each other. If there are estranged family members, encourage them to come forward and join in activities. For those who have a loved one who is dying: Reconciliation doesn’t have to mean unconditional acceptance or forgiveness, but it does allow for a reconnection, which is healing for everyone concerned.
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